Yesterday, I linked to a blog post on Babble by Emily Rosenbaum about yelling at your kids, or more accurately, how to stop.
For awhile now I have been trying to get rid of my ‘scary mommy voice’ and find another way to deal with my kids when they are fighting, biting, not listening, etc. I have yet to find a successful way to bring peace to the house on a consistent basis, at least one that will withstand cranky PMS days and cooped up rainy days. Until now.
In her post, Emily writes about using visual cues to keep order. She used a jar marked Ice Cream that would either gain or lose its marbles based on whether her boys were fighting or not. If they didn’t fight and the jar kept its marbles (pun intended) they would get ice cream. G.E.N.I.U.S.
My girls are 3 and 5, so I needed something simple along the same lines. I came up with Happy Jar and Sad Jar (pictured above). We found 10 heart-shaped pieces of glass from my cuckoo art supply box and put them in the Happy Jar. The deal is, if someone (including Momma) does something that makes you sad, a heart comes out and goes in the Sad Jar. Something happy must then occur for the heart to find its way back to the Happy Jar. Genius, if I do say so myself.
The Prize: Friday Night Family Movie Night. I love it as much as them and would do anything to keep it, including keeping myself from yelling. If we have all 10 glass hearts in the Happy Jar come Friday night, movie night is on.
To illustrate what makes us happy or sad we each made a list of 3 things for each category. Here is mine:
My oldest (5), Lala’s:
and my youngest (3), Em’s:
(Em & Sheepie)
Somehow, this whole process (and the cute lists) have made a dent in the crankiness levels around here. Things seem far more peaceful this afternoon, I sure hope it lasts.
What a great idea. Friday night family movies are always a great activity. I hope your new plan works out.
So far, so good. There are only 2 things that really get me going: not listening and fighting. Now, instead of yelling all I have to say is, "Uh oh, that sounds like yelling/fighting, I feel sad" very effective and much easier on the vocal cords.
Great idea, I did a similar thing when my girls were younger but with a happy and sad face chart on the fridge and it worked wonders, now they are older I target where it hurts them most with things like taking their internet privileges away. Of course it's like anything else in life, as they grow it's a different set of problems (or challenges as I prefer to call them) and ways to deal with them.
You can see from your girls' happy picks alone what content little stars they are and that is down to what a good and loving Mom you are.
And lastly, we all yell at times as we are indeed only human and we have our limits and explosion points.
Great post as always xx
Funny how sometimes we need another person's perspective to see how good we have it. Thank MR,
xooxoxo
This is fabulous! As as special education teacher, I do try to have as many visuals as possible, but with my own children I think I tend to over complicate the behavior system. Your idea is clear, consise and simple to implement. Yet, oh so powerful. And we are all about Movie Night here at our house, too. You have just helped me have a much less cranky summer. THANK YOU!!!!
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Hey Rachel, ooh, glad to help. I hope my system works out around here. So far, so good.! I forgot how powerful visual aids can be, got my fingers crossed!
thanks for stopping by!
Sheepie! Sheepie! That list, with that word on it – says so much in three-year-old language, doesn't it? So cute!
You know – I'm about 3 years ahead of you in this parenting stuff, my kids are 6 and 9 now. I tried the marbles-in-the-jar thing two years ago and it worked so well I bought big bags of colored marbles, huge jars and let the girls decorate their own "happy jars." But like everything it just sort of petered out. I think we went through two filled-up jars – so I had a good run out of it – but we lost interest, it lost its verve or something – I don't know. Now the jars and the marbles are up in the cleaning supplies cabinet, growing dust, and I'm looking for yet another gimmick to use to lure us all into behaving well most of the time. (-:
My recent post Catalog of Our Characteristics
I love the Sheepie, so cute.
I m guessing that the Jars will last for a few weeks and then will probably lose their hold on us. However, I am hoping that the language we develop and habits of not fighting stick around. FINGERS CROSSED!!
I forgot – thank you for talking about something scary, the scary voice. I never had that voice pre-kids, man, and when it appeared I'm sure it scared the shit out of my children but it scared the shit out of me too. Working on it…better now…ways to go yet but getting there. I only hear that voice every couple of weeks these days but at times of stress it was up to several times a day. It was getting like Sybil. Oy vey – we all have some variation of it.
My recent post Catalog of Our Characteristics
Ugh, I know. I hate my scary mommy voice.Where the hell did that come from? Where was it when I needed it calling for food working the production bin at McDonalds? Mine is VERY loud and scary, I hate it, although it is very effective. I hoping to find another use for it, like hailing cabs if I ever go to NY or telling the telemarketers where to stick it when they call at dinner time.
I went through an especially rough couple of months when my daughter was acting out. I finally asked her (age 5) what she would do if she were me. She said I should write it down, and every time she's acting out just hold up the card. So I wrote on a piece of paper "no hitting. no talking back. be a good listener" etc. Every time she acted out I'd stay silent, hold up the paper in her face and it didn't always work, but sometimes it really did. I carried that damn piece of paper around for months in my pocket until it shriveled.
Ooh, I like that one. I should ask what they would do if there were me, will get back to you and let you know what they say.
Great idea, thanks!
What a great idea! I think I'll have to try this! And thanks for stopping by my new blog adventure. I really appreciate the support.
Thanks for checking out as well. I like your blog, very pretty and I like your premise.
Xo
I hate to yell. This is a great idea!
Ugh, I hate it too. I have to say, it has been working so far. I have only yelled once in the last couple of days. That is really good for me.
I think I need a Happy Jar for other things in life…
Ugh, I hate it too. I have to say, it has been working so far. I have only yelled once in the last couple of days. That is really good for me.
Ugh, I hate it too. I have to say, it has been working so far. I have only yelled once in the last couple of days. That is really good for me.
I think I need a Happy Jar for other things in life…
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Thanks
Renee
Hey Renee, thanks for hopping over…
Hey, you have an award waiting for you at http://mieletlait.com. Congrats!
Oh my, why thank you! That is so sweet, this is my first award. Will be sharing the love…
xoxoxoxoxox
hello..coming by to wish you a happy Sunday! you have a very nice blog here..
Thanks! Right back at ya!
Sheepie…..so much cute. Love this post baby. xoxoxo
Ha, I know yeah? She now refers to Sheepie as her best friend….
My daughter isn't old enough to appreciate this yet, but I think I could use a happy/sad jar just for me! Great idea.
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Ha, I know what you mean. It has been working, thank goodness, I hate yelling. I need maybe a better incentive for myself, like I get to go and have my legs waxed or get a pedicure.
I love this idea…it's a much better idea than beating them. I'm gonna start being nicer so I can go to Friday movie night!
Totally, right?
Although,I sound like a psycho when we are out in public, talking about putting hearts in the sad jar. But, hey, if it keeps everyone alive and happy it works for me.
I just found your blog via red dress club and I am enjoying it. I yell at my kids far too often. even when I'm feeling all zen and prepared for my life (um yeah right), there are still certain things that throw me RIGHT over the edge. it isn't their fault. It's absolutely mine. my impatience, etc. anyway, I'll definitely be back…cheers.
Ugh, I hate yelling, but can't stop some days. I was doing so good, then PMS hit, and lost keys, and other shit. Blech, maybe I need to eat more chocolate or something…
The edge is beckoning today…go away!
Thanks so much for stopping by.
You really should have put a warning on this post to not read it if you are starving. Now I’m craving cinnamon rolls. Evil.
Ugh, I know. Sorry. I think I need another one. They are evil…
The evil cream is addictive! Lucky for me, I’ve got some cream puffs in arms’s distance. Whew!
Oh man, I love cream puffs. But they have to be frozen or not frozen or covered in chocolate….
mmm, I love cinnamon rolls and I know the place you’re talking about. Paired with a nice tall, vanilla latte – my day would be perfect. Cute post….evil cream momma
It’s the aroma as you walk by as well. If I am hungry I am rendered powerless.
Thanks for stopping by. Just found your blog today (thanks Jessica), love it! Nice to find another blogger in my area!
LOL it’s really strange when the littles say things in a way that seems so far outside of their understanding. It’s like they are secretly inhabited by something else…something older & wiser. It scares me.
Okay. I’m done freaking myself out.
I feel freaked all the time. I think I smoked too many things in university…
don't ever doubt for even ONE MINUTE that you aren't a wonderful, beautiful, DEDICATED, mom to those girls. Their willingness and insight into what makes them happy and sad is a direct translation to the gifts you have already given them, tense moments or not. You have given them the best lesson ever: ""you are human, so are they, now, let's get on with it."
well done.
I hope you hear me clapping.
your friend,
Kerrie
Kerrie, thank you. That is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, EVER.
Things just get under my skin sometimes I think and I get a little cagey. I hate yelling, but sometimes it feels like the only way I can get them to listen.
Hope all is well in your world, hope we can see each soon!
xoxoxoxo
Don’t even say pretzels to me. They shouldn’t be allowed. Nor should tube tops, they’re just wrong.